Unfrocked Clergy...
...Religion’s darker side

If you would like to see more of the clergy unfrocked, please send your favourite limerick, preferably frocked, to the webmaster: Abscissa & Mantissa
Said the Abbot, “I’m not pleased one bit,
Brother Andrew, that you should submit
       Your signed IOU,
       In lieu of a ewe.
I just won’t accept that sheep chit.”
- Anon
“When I see a monk’s arse, I just grab it,”
Said the lazily amorous Abbot.
       “Although it’s more fun
       To have sex with a nun,
It’s so hard to get into the habit.”
- Anon
Whenever the Abbot craves fun,
He summons the same willing one:
       A hot-panties Sister,
       Who makes his cock blister,
She is known as his sine qua nun.
- Anon
There was an Archbishop of Reims
Who played with himself in his dreams.
       On his night-shirt in front,
       He had printed a cunt,
Which made his seed gush forth in streams.
- Anon
The Bishop of Ibu Plantation
Wrote a thesis on Transfiguration
       For The Christian Review,
       As all good Bishops do,
While practicing miscegenation.
- Anon
There was once a Bishop of Bude
Who every so often got screwed.
       He might have atoned
       If he’d only got stoned:
But a Rev. getting screwed - well, that’s lewd.
- Anon
“Well, Madam,” the Bishop declared,
While the Vicar just mumbled and stared,
       “’Twere better, perhaps,
       In the crypt or the apse,
Because sex in the nave must be shared.”
- Anon
A Cardinal living in Rome
Had a Renaissance bath in his home.
       He could gaze at the nudes,
       As he worked up his moods
In emulsions of semen and foam.
- Anon
There was a young curate of Buckingham,
Who was blamed by the girls for not fucking ’em.
       He said, “Though my cock
       Is as hard as a rock,
Your cunts are too slack. Put a tuck in ’em.”
- Anon
A lecherous curate from Kew,
Rogered the Dean’s wife in a pew.
       “Although I’m not pious,”
       He said, “I’ve a bias.
I think it diviner to screw.”
- Anon
There once was a curate of Kew,
Who preached with his vestments askew.
       A lady called Morgan
       Caught sight of the organ
And promptly passed out in the pew.
- Anon
There was a young curate of Twickenham
Whose pants had a wonderful prick in ’em.
       He thought it great guns
       To strip all the nuns,
And this marvellous prick to stick in ’em.
- Anon
A naughty old deacon called Jim,
Whose notions of fucking were grim,
       Used to get lots of fun
       Out of shagging a nun,
With the Sign of the Cross on her quim.
- Anon
Have you heard of the Dean of St. Paul’s,
Who hasn’t a hair on his balls?
       When asked why this is,
       He whispers, in bliss,
“The rector, my God, how he mauls!”
- Anon
The unfortunate Dean of South Herts
Was caught importuning some tarts.
       His good wife was shocked
       When the Dean was unfrocked:
For the first time she saw all his parts.
- Anon
Father O’Malley’s final emission
Sent his soul to eternal perdition.
       It wasn’t the fuck
       That knackered his luck,
But his lack of the proper contrition.
- Contributed by PAGB
A contrite acolyte of Friar Ansell
Said, “Last night by mischance in the chancel,
       Lured by carnal desires,
       I had sex with Miss Myers.
Are there prayers such a whimsy might cancel?”
- Anon
There was a young friar named Borrow,
Who eloped with two nuns to his sorrow.
       They lived on an isthmus,
       And one he called Christmas,
And the other he christened Tomorrow.
- Anon
When a lecherous friar in Leeds
Was discovered, one day, in the weeds
       Astride a young nun,
       He said, “Christ, this is fun!
Far better than telling one’s beads!”
- Anon
A young Catholic layman named Fox
Makes his living by sucking off cocks.
       In fits of depression,
       He goes to confession,
And jacks off the priest in the box.
- Anon
There once was a monk of Gibraltar,
Who buggered a nun on the altar.
       “Good God!” said the nun,
       “Now look what you’ve done:
You’ve gummed up the leaves of the Psalter.”
- Anon
There was a young monk from Kilkyre,
Who was smitten with carnal desire.
       The immediate cause
       Was the Abbess’ drawers,
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
- Contributed by Poshtotty
There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose manners were rather inferior.
       He did to a nun
       What he shouldn’t have done
And now she’s a Mother Superior.
- Anon
There was an old monk in Siberia
Whose existence grew steadily drearier.
       He broke out of his cell
       With one hell of a yell
And buggered the Mother Superior.
- Anon
There was an old monk from Siberia,
Who seemed to get wearier and wearier.
       No wonder; this monk
       Was sharing his bunk
With his girlfriend, the Mother Superior.
- Anon
A young novice priest of Lahore,
Ogled nuns in the convent galore.
       He climbed in and defiled one,
       Who proved such a wild one,
That he stayed to defile her some more.
- Anon
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
       Fur-lined it all round,
       Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
- Anon
There was a young parson named Bings,
Who talked about God and such things;
       But his secret desire
       Was a boy in the choir
With an ass like a jelly on springs.
- Anon
There was an old parson of Lundy,
Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.
       He awoke with a scream,
       “What? Another wet dream!
This comes of not fucking since Monday.”
- Anon
The Pope, in regalia first class,
Kissed the cunt of a nun after Mass.
       He judged her fair slit,
       To be juicy and fit,
So smoke signals poured out of his ass.
- Anon
There was a young man from St. Giles
Who’d walked thousands and thousands of miles,
       From the Cape of Good Hope
       Just to bugger the Pope,
But he couldn’t. The Pontiff had piles!
- Contributed by Poshtotty
A preacher who lived in Bangkok
Had a truly adjustable cock.
       This remarkable feature
       Enabled the preacher
To satisfy all of his flock.
- Anon
A renegade priest from Nigeria
Whose morals were clearly inferior
       Had one night of fun
       With a nubile young nun
And now she’s a Mother Superior.
- Anon
A horny young priest of Peoria
Lived in ecstatic euphoria.
       He had lots of fun
       By fucking a nun
While chanting the Sanctus and Gloria.
- Anon
There was a young Rector of King’s,
Whose mind was on heavenly things.
       But his heart was on fire
       For a boy in the choir,
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.
- Contributed by Poshtotty
There once was a Vicar of Climping
Who earned tons of money from pimping.
       When his Bishop asked why,
       He replied with a sigh,
“Well, you can’t have a man of God skimping.”
- Anon
There once was a choirboy from Crewe,
Who remarked as the Vicar withdrew,
       “The Bishop was quicker,
       And thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you.”
- Anon
There once was a Vicar of Horsham
Who always took every precaution:
       Till one girl he screwed
       Let a stray sperm intrude,
And that was a case for abortion.
- Anon
There was a young woman from Nod
Who wanted a baby from God.
       It wasn’t the Almighty
       Who hitched up her nightie;
It was the Vicar, the dirty old sod!
- Anon
A randy Welsh vicar, well woozie,
Sought to couple with many a floozie.
       For one, he had learned,
       His roses had spurned,
’Cos Soozie the floozie was choozie!
- Dixon Prix © 2002

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